The
other day I met with a web designer to discuss future collaboration with my
innovative endeavors. As so often happens when meeting woman to woman, our
meeting soon became a personal conversation. She is a young mother of two toddlers,
super motivated, intelligent, full of energy, still holding on to the dream of
success but not certain of the path taking her there. She left me with a
feeling which resonated so strongly, namely that sense of being handcuffed by
the daily routine of motherhood; a restriction that we, as mothers, willingly impose
on ourselves and which men, in many cases, don’t feel the need to do. I felt great
empathy for her conflict, all the harder with very young children, and
identified personally with her struggle. I can only hope for her sake, as well
as for my own and for all the other ambitious women out there, that we find a way
to navigate the challenge of pursuing self-fulfillment while, at the same time,
nurturing and maintaining healthy family relationships. The major challenge of
the modern world, I was reminded, is not only the ability to live a fulfilling
life—true to our needs and desires (in search of self-fulfillment and
self-actualization)—but simultaneously sustaining and cultivating our
meaningful relationships. This is something over which we each have great
influence but which, nonetheless, requires the cooperation of our partners.
The
understanding that managing our close relationships with our partners and
children is an ongoing commitment can have debilitating side effects. The
process of trying to "have it all”—a family and a career—can be so
overwhelming that it forces you to give up on one or the other. Some give up a demanding and fulfilling career
to preserve their marriages, others pursue self-fulfillment to the detriment of
their relationship which leads to an unhappy marriage and often separation. A fascinating article in The New York Times entitled
"The All-or-Nothing Marriage" offered me new insight into the subject.
The article presents a historical overview of the evolution of marriage and changing
expectations over the years, concluding that: "The average marriage today is weaker than the average marriage
of yore, in terms of both satisfaction and divorce rate, but the best marriages
today are much stronger, in terms of both satisfaction and personal well-being,
than the best marriages of yore."
The importance of this article is twofold.
First, it emphasizes that you are not alone; new
winds represent both the need and the readiness to change the rules of the
relationship-building game. Second, it explains how the expectations and
outcomes of marriage have significantly changed throughout the years: "Our central claim is that Americans
today have elevated their expectations of marriage and can in fact achieve an
unprecedentedly high level of marital quality — but only if they are able to
invest a great deal of time and energy in their partnership. If they are not
able to do so, their marriage will likely fall short of these new expectations.
Indeed, it will fall further short of people’s expectations than at any time in
the past." These days, the set of goals we expect marriage to meet are
less based on needs of physiology or security and more on the need for respect and
self-actualization. These are higher expectations which require sufficient time
investment and psychological resources to ensure that both partners develop a
deep bond and profound insight into each other's essential qualities.
As discussed
in the article, recent publication of research regarding the so-called suffocation model of marriage in
America has
suggested several promising options for corrective action for those struggling
with an imbalance between what they are asking from their marriage and what
they are investing in it. One proposal
is to lessen expectations of marriage as a facilitator of self-actualization.
For those interested in further reading, visit the full version of the research.
No
matter what advice or research we read, we nonetheless each have to follow our
own journey. No one has the perfect solution for that specific set of
circumstances that consists of YOU: where you come from, your childhood, your
choice of partner, your children and your ecosystem. Personally, I try to abide
by one main rule: be the master of your life by making conscious decisions.
Mastering your relationships could be the first and possibly the most valuable step
you will ever take. I am beginning to understand that being an entrepreneur
requires you to go through a long line of people, all of whom need convincing
about your passion, determination and long-term vision. Start by convincing your
partner. This may, in fact, be the hardest, but it is a worthwhile checkpoint
that could turn into the most valuable foundation for a balanced and healthy
life. I would like to leave you on
an optimistic note, namely that "our marriages can flourish today like
never before. They just can’t do it on their own." So, though sometimes dissolving
a marriage is inevitable—you gave it your best shot, there is insufficient
cooperation or an unwillingness to lower expectations, or it is a simple
mismatch—this should be a last resort. A last resort not because of conformism
but rather because it is the first of a long list of hurdles to be surmounted
on the way to self-fulfillment, and one that may just be your best and more
rewarding energy investment ever.
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