That Inner Urge...

The seeds of our inner drive are planted sometime in early childhood either by our own dreams or by the expectations of others. For years we irrigate this inner source, plowing and trimming, but when the time come to harvest, we realize that either we used the wrong seeds or that we are left with no energy to continue the pursuit. By rewinding, I went back to look for the original drive and motive, that preliminary dream that may have been the start of my journey.

It took me a great deal of time to start listening to my inner voice. Or should I say resume tuning in to my intuition. To be honest, there are still times when I have a bad connection or can hear nothing at all. Even writing these very lines, there is so much noise shaped by echoes which direct me toward the path of the "conventional," "certain," "mainstream," and "safe," and threaten to mute all other bolder signals. It makes me wonder how far we drift over the years from that place where we are capable of listening to ourselves and what it is that makes us lose our former self-belief.   

It wasn’t easy. I didn’t know where to start. Was my genuine motive really conceived in my childhood? Or maybe it is something that has developed over the years along with layers of personality that have been consumed? I knew only one thing: whatever the answer was and whenever it was shaped, there is only one place it can be found and that is deep inside of me. If only I were brave enough, bold enough and more careful, I would be able to find it. There was a voice in me asking: have you lost your mind? Are you really listening to an inner voice? What, are you a medium now?  Have you lost your grounding in reality?  The ability to listen to your inner voice as it searches for that answer is an art, one that cannot be taught but rather learned by trial and error and profound honesty. The good news is, as I came to understand, that no matter how bad you were at learning to listen to yourself, no matter how scared you are or whatever excuses and masks you are hiding behind, the inner urge won't let you stop trying and will keep on nagging you to pursue your search for purpose and necessity until you know what is it that is missing for your ultimate self-fulfillment.

And for all you know, the answer might have been there all along.

At times it was confused with being successful.

At times it was interpreted as trying to fulfill expectations.

At times it tried to find repose in artistic aspirations.

At times it was mistaken with being famous.

And even now, when it feels closer than ever, the answer still gets muddled with some of the above.

It is the notion that it was there all along, throughout all those years, that gives me faith and confidence. It just had to be suspended until such time that it feels right or that I feel strong enough to ignore disruptions and concentrate on what it is that I want to do, learn to really trust my instincts and find the way to just do it.

You can't really understand what it is for you until it assumes the shape of your own thing: your inner urge to say something, do something, and use all your background, experience, qualities, unique thinking, motivation, energy and strength to reach a certain goal. When it is this urge that triggers your actions, it becomes irrelevant how it will be perceived by others or even how it can pave the way to the dream you fantasied about. At every point of time there is only one way to do it and the realization will slowly sink in with understanding that this must be it only when the time is right.  And regardless of the distance to your destination, by beginning your journey you will find respite in that inner drive and in that feeling that the combination of everything that consists of YOU is heading in the right direction.